SPIN CYCLE : Duggar TV is kind, nice and boring!
Posted on Sunday, October 5, 2008
I said before that all I really need to know I learned on Temptation Island. And then Love Cruise. And then The Bachelor. And then The Anna Nicole Show. And then The Bachelorette. And then Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. And then The Simple Life. And then America’s Next Top Model 2. And then Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search. And then MTV’s PoweR Girls. And then Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. And then the second installment of Dancing With the Stars. And then the fifth season of American Idol. And then Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. And then MTV’s Pageant Place. And then the fourth installment of Project Runway. And then Rock of Love 2. And the fourth season of Top Chef.
But all I needed to know I learned from the premiere of 17 Kids And Counting, the new reality show that debuted last week about the lives of Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, the Arkansas couple with 17 offspring (soon to be 18 — the due date for the couple’s eighth daughter is Jan. 1 ) and, as of recently, one daughter-inlaw. It is on The Learning Channel (new episodes at 9 p.m. and 9: 30 p.m. Mondays ) after all.
You can never have too much of a good thing. Like kids. Whose names begin with the letter J (Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah and Jennifer ). Or close enough (Jinger, pronounced like the spice ).
Bigger is always better. Is that all you’ve got TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 ? They’ll see your eight and raise you nine — make that 10 — you amateurs.
Encourage civility and courtesy. It will make for a loving, nurturing family environment... and really bland television viewing. The only thing close to drama in an hour spent in Duggarville was the toddler who got a mild-mannered talkingto for hollering and, in a separate incident, swiped at a sibling. And missed. Yawn.
A little medicine goes a long way. (Is that really just motion sickness medication that the perpetually happy, calm and unflappable mother, Michelle, is seen popping prior to flying ? And how might we score some ?)
And so does editing. Packing is hard with 17 kids. Going through airport security is hard with 17 kids. Getting a taxi is hard with 17 kids. Going to a restaurant is hard with 17 kids. Every passerby during the course of the first two half-hour episodes: “It’s very unusual seeing a family with 17 kids”; “Seventeen kids ! That’s unbelievable”; “How do they do it with 17 kids ?” Yeah, yeah, so your family is big. We get it already, times 17. Be friendly to everyone you meet. Say hello and pose for photos with strangers in Times Square. Give copies of family photos to cabdrivers so they can always remember you. Even though you’re pressed for time and about to miss a flight, take time to shake hands and introduce yourself to guys like Bret, a member of airport security personnel (for the record, Jim Bob did stop short of adopting him ).
Count your blessings... and your cash. Sure, food and fuel might be expensive, but when was the last time it cost your household $ 130 to go out for pizza or $ 500 to gas up your clan-friendly commercial bus that only gets five miles to the gallon ? Everyone loves surprises. So when you’ve got huge news to share — something really amazing that no one would ever guess — reveal it to your 17 children on national TV to witness their overwhelming excitement ! What could it be ? We’re getting a pony ? We’re getting a maid and chef and laundry service ? Our parents are going to start using birth control ? Oh... so there’s going to be yet another baby... just like there is almost every year... whoopie.
Always subscribe to the buddy system. As long as you and someone else are looking out for each other, nothing can go wrong... unless your buddy slacks on the job and you get lost in the airport, and the only person that seems to notice is some camera guy named Scott who hears an announcement over the loudspeaker. Explains dad Duggar with a laugh: “Losing one child can happen even if you only have one or two children. So I hope parents out there can understand with 17, the odds are greater you’ll lose one.” Wait, how many kids do you have again ? Because we almost forgot. No kidding, e-mail: jchristman@arkansasonline.
com Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
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