EX-ETIQUETTE : Parents, children in same bed just asking for trouble
Posted on Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Q: Is it healthy for my exwife to be sleeping with our two preteen daughters in the same bed every night ? They alternate weeks between us. The girls have their own rooms at my home, and have no issues.
A: The parental bed question comes up a lot. The explanation usually offered is that “the child is having trouble adjusting to the divorce” and it is comforting for them to sleep with a parent. The truth is, if the child didn’t sleep with the parent before the breakup, then the one with the adjustment problem is the parent (who probably did sleep with the other parent before the breakup ), not the child. Letting a child sleep with the parent could actually be adding to the child’s inability to adjust to his parent’s breakup rather than adding comfort.
Most professionals recommend that divorced parents not sleep in the same bed with their children. When you become involved with a new mate, you put your child and your lover in competition with each other.
If you allow your child to sleep with you regularly, your new partner may feel as if the child is invading that territory. When you ask the child not to sleep in your bed, the child may perceive that the parent loves the new partner more. And there you are, right in the middle.
Most parents have occasionally comforted their children after a bad dream by letting them crawl into bed with them, but the key word is “occasionally.” When that does happen, try these suggestions to get the kids back into their own beds: Make your child’s room a comforting, fun place to be. Decorate it as he wants. Use glow-in-thedark stars on the ceiling (they can be seen only in the dark ) to emphasize the necessity of turning out the lights. Establish a ritual for putting your child to bed. Read a story, make up a handshake or kiss ritual. One reader told her son a joke before he went to sleep. He started, and she would finish with a joke of her own. That way he was laughing when she left the room.
Finally, remember ex-etiquette rule No. 9: Respect each other’s turf. Talk to each other, listen to each other, and work with your ex in the best interest of the children. Don’t dictate policy; it will ultimately backfire.
Q: I’ve just remarried. I have three children, my husband has three children. I co-parent with my children’s father. My husband’s ex has been institutionalized. My children, 15, 12, and 10, are jealous of the time I spend with my bonus kids, ages 3, 4, and 5, whose father travels for a living. My kids are with their father 50 percent of the time, sometimes more since we live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment. We can’t afford anything else. I keep telling my kids that they have a father, but the little ones have no one. My kids’ resentment is making this difficult. I don’t know what to do.
A: The little ones also have a father — your husband. It’s noble that you want to help, but understand, you’re your children’s mother and they want you, pure and simple. If you’re spending all your time with the little ones, “They have no one, you have your dad” will do little to appease their feeling of rejection and probably makes things worse. They don’t care about the other children’s problems. They didn’t ask for this; it was your idea.
Begin by establishing a sense of order. This means: Move. It isn’t fair to expect six children to live in one bedroom — even for part of the time. If money is a problem, contact the county in which you live.
Work with your kids’ biological father to get the older kids on a set schedule between your house and his so you can better plan your time. Get into a babysitting co-op with friends to free up additional time.
Your older kids probably feel like afterthoughts at your house. Establish a feeling of family by including them in home organization, planning meals and family recreation time. And don’t expect the older kids to babysit. That’s grounds for instant resentment. Once you establish that sense of family, they may not mind; but now, it’s just fuel for the fire. Search for a stepfamily support group in your area. Finally, we suggest that your husband get a job that requires less travel so he can be an active family participant. Jobs are hard to come by, but families need more than financial support to be strong. In this time when your family seems to be going every which way, your husband needs to be there to offer additional stability. With what you described, we would travel, too. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are the co-founders of Bonus Families — www. bonusfamilies. com — and the authors of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation. Contact them at ee@bonusfamilies. com
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